Self-worth issues – a.k.a. “I’m not good enough”

And this one, we'll talk about a very common, very popular issue that many, many people share. It's about our self worth issues, or also known as the problem of, I'm not good enough. In my practice, many people struggle with this overall problem, that they just don't feel like they're good enough, or they are worthy of having the things that they want, or succeeding, for example, in a particular field or, or area of their life. And, obviously, this is something very broad, and there are many, many things that can be discussed their books, and hold trainings, and people go to psychotherapy from lots of time to handle with this issue. But my idea for this episode is to share with you some very practical ideas that you may apply immediately, you can use them to analyze the situation. But at the end, I will also give you some concrete practices to concrete exercises that can help you with handling with this issue. So let's first discuss what happens and which is one of the major reasons why we don't feel good enough. One of those reasons is that we tend to generalize. For example, we need to learn to do something, let's say that you need to learn how to drive a car. And for whatever reason, it doesn't work very well. And you can't handle with that. So you are not that good enough in driving yet, then there is another thing that you also doesn't seem to be very good at. And what your brain does is that it tends to generalize those things. So instead of focusing on one concrete thing, and admitting or realizing that you're not that good enough, yet, in this particular thing, you tend to generalize. It sounds shorter, it sounds simpler. So you just, you know, get the essence, that sounds like I'm just not good enough. But the reality is that it's much more concrete. And it may totally be true, you may not be the best driver. Okay, that's fine. You may not be, I don't know the best in writing scripts, let's say, okay, that's very concrete. And it might be totally accurate. The first thing is, if that's important to you, don't forget to add the word yet another good enough in writing scripts scripts yet. And second of all, don't generalize it. Don't take this as one big idea of I'm just not good enough. I'm unworthy. So that's the number one reason why people feel unworthy or like they are not good enough that they generalize. They take some tiny things or areas in their life, that may not be their main thing. And because they don't feel competent in this area, they make this like a huge deal. It's like I'm overall and the worthy. And often, obviously, that's absolutely untrue. So number one reason, generalizations try to avoid them. And one of the exercises that I will give you in a moment will really help you to address this particular issue to stop generalizing. Because when you are more concrete, first of all, you see that it doesn't mean that generally you're not good enough. It means that there is a small area of your life or a particular activity that you haven't mastered yet. And second of all, it can give you some concrete areas that You want to focus on and work on? Okay, let's move on to the second big reason. A valve can make us feel unworthy or like we are not good enough. And here, I'm pretty sure I won't surprise you, when I tell you that this is our childhood and the family environment. When you have been a child, there might have been things that you were not good enough. And sometimes it's because it's just not natural for you, for example, to sing, or you're just not a sports person. But another reason might be that you are not old enough to do that. And sometimes it could be because your parents have been really harsh, unfortunately, sometimes their abusive parents, or other really problematic situations. But very often, the parents have really good intentions, actually. But maybe they don't, don't do this in the right way. Maybe they have compared you with an older sibling, or the neighbors, children or someone else. And there is something really interesting, it seems like in life, we accept the idea that a certain age will learn new things. For example, when you are three years old, usually, you don't know how to tie your shoes. And for most kids, that's the case, then when you are 10. Usually you're supposed to know how to tie your shoes. You learn how to read how to write, you learn maths, all the other stuff. And we understand this idea that when you're three years old, usually you don't know how to read yet. And that's totally fine. But there is another thing, which means that sometimes children accept or believe that if they can't do it right now, they will never learn how to do that. And when they struggle with learning something, especially if the environment is not supportive, they also tend to generalize. And to think that if they can't do it, now, they will never learn how to do that. And again, they are programming their minds. As I said, of course, sometimes the parents may play a major negative role if they they compare you, if they kind of like prefer to use the stick symbolically instead of the carrot, meaning that they threaten you or they are really harsh with their words, probably they just want to make you more ambitious or to motivate you. But usually, the child take this as the idea that they are just not good enough. And this creates also a major imprint. That is especially true. If you have been required to do something that you're just incapable of doing. Something very general also, it's a very big issue. If the parents have wanted a child from the opposite gender, if they wanted a boy and your girl. Obviously, this is not something that you can change. It doesn't depend on you, you are the way you are. But if the parents haven't accepted you in this way, you also feel consciously or subconsciously like you are not good enough. So those things need to be addressed. And you need to stop blaming yourself or putting yourself down for the things that you can't change for the things that don't depend on you and for things that you just haven't been capable of doing. Usually when you're three years old, you are not supposed to be good at maths. Of course, sometimes there could be genius children, but they are huge exceptions. At the age of three, most of the children don't know how to read or write and that's normal. But if the parents have Really high standards. And they have required things that you are just not capable of doing yet, because of your age, because of the stage where you are, this is also a very negative model. So, go back and reassess all of those situations, all of your memories that you have, and from the perspective of the present as a grown up person, look back and answer, honestly, Was this something that was out of your control, or you're just not ready yet for that. And if that's the case, then it's not your fault, it doesn't mean that you are unworthy. That's a major, major difference. And another thing, which is kind of related to the same topic, is about the exaggeration that children tend to do. When children fail, or don't feel competent in something, when especially when they are young. What they tend to do is also to exaggerate the importance. The reason for that is because children take everything really seriously. They just don't know anything else. for them. This is life as serious as it can be. And for example, now handling very well with tying your shoes can become a problem. And for them, it may seem much more important than it actually is. So children tend to exaggerate, to over emphasize the importance of small things. And again, they also generalize it, if I'm not good at this, in this sport, or singing, or, or mats or whatever. They make it the bigger problem than it actually is. And they generalize again, if I'm not good at this particular thing, I'm overall unworthy or I'm just not good enough, which is so untrue. So a major area as usual, when it comes to psychological and emotional issues, is exploring your childhood, the attitude of your parents, their expectations, and just looking at those events and circumstances from the perspective for grown up. Because, as I said, the child in you have believed that this is crucially important that it's a matter of life or death, overall. So reassess those memories. And here, we also get to the topic of adequate expectations. Do you have extremely high standards for yourself, which don't get me wrong, high standards are great when they motivate you, when they help you to become better to improve to grow fantastic. But if you are a perfectionist, if your standards are impossible, then obviously, you will never feel like you are good enough. So think about it. And my experience also shows that in many cases, we are much harsher with ourselves than we are how we are with other people, especially those we love. So think about it. Could it be that your standards are extremely high or even impossible? That inadequate expectations can also make you feel unworthy. Okay, and now I would like to give you some two practical exercises that you can do right now, on your own. You just need some paper and a pen, nothing else. And I know that they will take some time and I'm pretty sure they will be difficult. But I also know that if you are committed, they can really help you. So please, please, if you want to help yourself, give those exercises a chance. They can be extremely helpful. The first exercise is ask yourself the question why I don't feel good enough. And keep asking this question until you have nothing else to add Sometimes, you may write like 10 pages, and people may write even more pages of reasons why they are not good enough. Do you see what's the meaning here? When you ask yourself why you are becoming much more concrete. And you may say, Okay, I don't feel good enough. Because for example, I don't have this amount of money, or I'm not beautiful enough, or I don't like my, I don't know, my face or my body. Or I'm not that good in speaking this language, for example, or I'm not that good in sales, or whatever, you will become much more concrete. So that's like the antidote of generalizations. Keep asking yourself this question until you just cannot stand it anymore. And you have absolutely nothing to add. You need pages here, you need at least 100 thinks, the more specific you are, the better. I'm not good enough, because I don't have a career success, or I don't earn this money. Or I'm not married yet, or whatever. So be as concrete as you can. This is again, the antidote of generalizations. And then when you have nothing more to add, keep the list by the way, because later, there might be something else that might come to your mind. Feel free to add it whenever you can. And also, ask yourself, which of those things depend on me? I don't feel good enough, for example, because I was born in a small country in a small village. Okay? Does that really depend on you now? Can you do something about it? No, you can't. Okay? Then it's not related to you, it's not your fault. You can't be unworthy because of that. cross it. If you find something that depends on you, then this could be an area that you may choose to focus on. But also ask yourself the question, okay, is that really a priority for me? For example, I don't have the perfect body. Okay, is this a real priority for you right now? If it is, then put it on your calendar and do something about it? If not, then maybe just accept yourself, forgive yourself. So the first exercise requires to be really specific, and keep asking the question why I don't feel good enough. And the second exercise I want to suggest you is to make a list of all the things you can do. You don't need to be a master. But if you can do those things, then add them on your list. Can you cook? Can you speak a language? Maybe you know, two or three languages? Can you write? Can you paint? Can you do certain exercises? Can you do burpees? For example, can you do push ups? Can you I don't know draw something, make a list of as many things as you can remember as many things that you can think of, that you are capable of doing. They could be some personal qualities. They could be related to your career, they could be related to some kind of talents. But please don't forget the small things that may seem insignificant. For example, cooking, or driving a car, or telling a nice joke to other people. The more things you put on your list, the more you will believe in yourself. And in the fact that you actually are enough. Because this is a general characteristic of our brain, we tend to focus more on the negative stuff. This is like an evolutionary mechanism. In order to survive, you need to pay attention to the problems when something is good, it's fine. Okay, you don't need to work on that. You might as well forget about it, but the problems they may be becomes dangerous, they are the real thing. And nowadays, we also do this, we forget about our positive qualities, the things that we can do. And we over focus on the things that we haven't mastered, yet. The things that are beyond our abilities, or things that we tend to generalize. So if you focus on those couple of ideas, avoid generalizations, explore your childhood and the family environment. Pay attention to having adequate expectations. If you are perfectionist, you definitely need to work on that. Don't exaggerate the importance of small things. And do those exercises, make a huge extensive lead list of the things that you are good at? The things that you can do, even if you're not a master in them, if you can do them, they should be on your list. And also be specific about the reasons why you actually believe that you don't, you are not good enough. And here the answer I don't know is unacceptable. If you dig deep, you will find some answers. Keep asking the question until you have answers. They will come to you. I promise you that. So I'm leaving you now. I hope this was helpful. If you need any assistance from me in solving those issues for yourself. You can always contact me from my website, Mars stars dotnet you can find the different coaching services there which are designed specifically to handle with the most common psychological issues including self worth. And the problem with not feeling good enough. Have a wonderful day, everyone. Thank you so much, and I will catch you next time.