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Fear of Criticism and Judgment

Fear of Criticism and Judgment

In this episode we will explore where does it all starts? Why so many of us are afraid of being criticized and judged by other people. What are the secondary gains - what are we getting out of these situations and patterns?



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You will learn

  • What are the historical causes for the need of approval
  • The difference between reasonable criticism and an unhealthy one
  • What is the solution for this pattern
  • Resources

    Transcript

    Hello, dear friend. In this episode, we'll talk about the fear of criticism, and how we can overcome it. First of all, we will start with, where does it start? Why so many of us are being afraid of being criticized and judged by other people. We'll take a look also at the secondary gains, what are we getting out of this? Even if it's difficult to admit it? And also, we'll talk about some solutions. We'll discuss the difference between healthy feedback and reasonable criticism. And on the other side, the negative harsh criticism and how to make a difference? And what is the solution with all of this pattern? So first, let's begin with the history. Where does it come from? Why is it so common for us to be afraid of criticism, and overall, why the opinion of other people actually matters. And the truth is that this is something which is evolutionary, predefined in our brains. In ancient times, and actually not so long ago, the community has been extremely important. Humans are social beings, we are not able to survive on our own, we need the community. And we have always needed that, especially in ancient times. And because of that, humans have learned that if they are accepted by the tribe, or the community, or the society, they have better chances in ancient times, that has meant better chances for survival. Fortunately, nowadays, it's not about survival. But our brain still can't make the distinction. The most important for our brain is survival. And because of that, we keep the memories of course, that's totally subconsciously. But the memories are still in our brains. And we are wired, that's an NLP word. You may not like it, but you may use whatever word you like, we are created this way, or we have learned to behave this way. And we don't consciously understand that sometimes. But it's still living within us. The need for approval, to be accepted, to be appreciated by society. That has been a question of survival in ancient times. And anything that has to do with survival is deeply recorded in the brain. And it means that we need to bring a lot of conscious awareness, if we want to change things that are no longer relevant, or at least not to the same extent. Nowadays, you can do something and other people may criticize it. And the truth is that your life does not depend on that. You can keep living, you will survive. And sometimes we make a big deal out of it. Because subconsciously, we are still recreating, leaving the old patterns. We feel like if we are not accepted, if we are criticized or judged. It's almost like it's a threat for our survival. So the first thing we need to recognize is that we are acting in this way we are afraid of criticism and judgment. Because that has been a healthy pattern that we have established in the past our brains, the human brain has worked in this way for many, many centuries. Nowadays, things are different. And we need to remind ourselves Okay, Is this something that makes me dependent on others? And is it really a threat for me? If someone doesn't like what I'm doing? Or if they openly criticize and judge me, and 99.9% of the time, the answer will be, no, you don't depend on their approval, and it doesn't threaten your survival. So remind yourself about this, it's always very important to understand where things are coming from, and to bring our conscious awareness to it. So the next question I have for you, is also, what kind of standards do you have for yourself? And do you put some kind of impossible standards? Perhaps you want to do something, maybe some of you want to write a book, or you want to start recording YouTube videos, or you want to use astrology professionally, or you have something else, which you would like to do, but you keep avoiding it. Because you're telling yourself that you're not ready yet. And the truth is that you're afraid of what the reactions of other people will be you're afraid of being criticized or judged? So the very important question here is, what are your own expectations of yourself? Do you expect that the first time you do something it's supposed to be amazingly incredible, or even perfect? Because if that's the case, you are the one who is setting you up for failure, disappointment, frustration, because the truth is that this is not the normal way things happen. You're not supposed to do your best work the first time you try it. But many of us actually kind of expect this. Because we have some impossibly high standards for ourselves. And it's normal, that we cannot match those expectations. So what I'm saying is, you should not like have low expectations or low standards, by no means just don't have them don't have the high expectations, or at least the impossibly high expectations, the very first time you're doing something or in the beginning, when you are learning to do something, because it's just not humanly possible. And perhaps, once in, I don't know, in 100 cases, or 1000 cases, there might be someone who can have a breakthrough, the very first time that they are doing something, but that's not the standard. That's not the regular case. So think about your own standards and expectations. And it's great to have high standards. But again, allow yourself to learn and don't expect that the very first time you do something, it should be totally amazing. Another thing we need to realize is that when we say that we are afraid of the reaction of other people, or we are afraid of criticism and being judged. A secondary gain which we get out of this is that we have an excuse. We have an excuse to not do something and sometimes even to give up.

     
    Because another thing that our brain is doing is that we are searching for justifications. And we like to choose things that make us look better in our own eyes. And very often it's much easier to say, you know what I'm afraid of criticism and judgment. And it's not that easy to say, I'm afraid that I will never learn. So I just prefer avoiding trying at all. So this is also a typical pattern of our brain that we are searching for what we assume as nicer acts Cue says. And this is just a way of hiding actually hiding of the risk that eventually it may not work as well as we have expected. And in this way we are just giving up before we have even started. So, think about it, is there something that you would like to do, but you're constantly searching for those excuses. And your biggest one is the criticism or the judgment of other people. Another thing I want to talk about is also the difference between healthy criticism, and the negative and harsh criticism. And here we are diving really deep. And we are getting to something, which is probably the most difficult. And that's the courage to see and admit the truth. If you are doing something for the first time, or you're in the beginning of the process of learning something, it's totally normal and acceptable, that you won't be great in it. And you might really receive some negative feedback, some criticism, and I wouldn't call it judgment, because if it's constructive and healthy, it should not sound as judgment. But it could be criticism, it could be constructive criticism, someone may point out that, well, this is not really great. And here is what you can do to improve it. This is a healthy criticism. But the truth is that for some people, this may also be very painful to accept, even if it's constructive and healthy and ride on the spot, we may still have difficulties with accepting it. But this is something which can be very, very helpful for many reasons. First of all, this is how you can really improve. And second of all, you can overcome your own expectations that you need to be great, the very first time you do something in this way you can admit, okay, that person might be right, actually. And here is where I can do better next time. And in this way, you're giving yourself the permission, the permission for things to be the way they are for you to be the way you are. And from that point of view, you can grow. Because if you are completely closed, for any kind of feedback, or even constructive criticism, you cannot grow, you cannot improve. You need to open your eyes. And I know that this can be painful, but you need to recognize what you are not doing as well as you would like to do and how to improve it. And this is the healthy criticism. This is the constructive criticism. This is the one which is allowing you to grow and improve.

     
    And this type of credit criticism is not done in a harsh way. It's not directed towards your personality, it's directed towards the way you have done something and that's very important. If someone criticizes your personality, you as a human being, there isn't anything healthy or constructive there. But if someone is suggesting that something you are doing can be improved in a particular way, then that can totally be constructive. And also constructive criticism is not done in a harsh, aggressive way. But I think that it goes without saying on the other side, there is of course, the negative harsh criticism. And something very important here. I want you to realize who are the people that are doing this and here I want to tell you a personal story about This journey because of course, I have also been on this path, I'm still on this journey. But I know that I have improvement, I have a huge improvement. So I want to tell you when and where I started this. years ago, I was already doing astrology, I was working as an astrologer. But I wanted to start doing YouTube videos, tutorials, all kinds of lessons, whatever. And I was terrified. So for years, I have been terrified of this idea, to stand in front of the camera, record myself, even worse, to watch myself after that. And to publish it online. It was terrifying for me. But somehow I found the strength and the courage and I am telling you, it really required courage. And I did it. And for a long time, my videos were kind of terrible. I did not like myself, this was just not the normal me. But I still kept doing it. And this can be so transformative. And yet healing, when you allow yourself to not be as good as you want, but to keep going. And with time things started to improve. Even nowadays, I think that I can still improve and I want to be better. And I know that the more I'm doing it, the better it will get. And now, from this point of view, when I already have the years of experience, I have more than 1000 videos to record that many live webinars. And what I realized is that, if when I see someone starting with the videos, I have so much compassion for them. And I know that I would never ever criticize them harshly, I may suggest something that they can improve, but I would never, ever criticize them harshly even in my mind, because I know what it takes. And I know what the path is. So my point is that the people who really understand what you are doing, and the people that are supposed to read or watch your content, or whatever you are doing, they will not criticize you harshly. And the I think that the people who would criticize you harshly are the ones who haven't done it, the ones who don't really understand what it's all about. And honestly, the people who are not relevant to whatever you are doing. So honestly, though, those are the people that don't really matter.

     
    The people that matter, they will understand. So that was a huge breakthrough for me. And for everything that I'm doing and the way I'm teaching people the way I'm advising and working with my clients. So I really want you to remind yourself about this. Because a very often people are afraid that those who are already good at what they are doing will criticize them. For example, if you are, let's go on with this example. If you are starting to record videos, you might be afraid that those who are more experienced will criticize you know, those won't be your harsh critics. The harsh critics are again, those that don't really matter. A person who has been on this path, they understand they have been where you are and they know that when you are beginning that's normal. That's totally normal. So next time you want to do something but you are afraid being criticized or judged, remind yourself about those things. And one more thing I want to add here is that if you react strongly and intensely to the criticism of other people, it's a sign that you are criticizing yourself. So those people are just mirroring you. And, in certain way, if you believe that some of the things they're saying are actually true. Or in other words, if you have the same dialogue in your mind, that's when you respond strongly to them. And their criticism. If someone tells you something harsh, something bad, negative judgment and criticism, if it doesn't resonate with you, if deep down, you don't believe that, it's actually true, it won't matter. It won't touch you, it won't hurt you, you might get a little annoyed. But it won't get you really, you know, deeply. So, also use this to recognize what you are doing with yourself. If someone is being really harsh and negative, and they are blaming, you're judging you criticizing you. And that touches you deeply. That makes you very sad, or very upset or extremely angry. This is a sign that deep down, you believe that some of those things are actually true, which means that you are having the same dialogue with yourself. So stop criticizing yourself is the point here. So stop judging yourself. And just embrace the idea that there is a learning curve. And it doesn't matter what you're doing, whether you're recording YouTube videos, learning astrology, writing a book, learning to drive a car, and a million other things that you may want to do. At first, you will probably suck at it. And it's okay. There's usually no other way for things to be. But the point is, don't be hard on yourself, and have the courage to see where you're not particularly great. improve it. Keep going. Don't use it as an excuse to not try at all. And if it's worth it, and if it's important for you. With practice, you will get better. Some things take much more time. The truth is that also some people need much more time. And all of that is totally fine. But the point is, keep going. Let go of those critical judgmental thoughts and expectations. And with time, everything changes. So I hope I have inspired you with this episode. I hope you will do the things that you want the things that you might have avoided. I hope that you will be easier on yourself. And thank you so much for joining me in this episode. I'll catch you next time.


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