Is there something you want to have in your life, which you don't have? My guess is there is...
No matter what that things is, one of the most important things to explore are the secondary benefits of NOT having this thing (even when consciously you want it).
In this episode we'll talk about how very often you may consciously want something, but subconsciously you may sabotage yourself, because there are some hidden benefits you get when you don't have what you want.
This principle applies to relationship, career/money and health goals or anything else which is important for you. It might be one of the main reasons why you can't materialize your dreams.
Listen to the show
You will learn
- the way secondary benefits affect your life
- the importance of being brutally honest with yourself and exploring the hidden benefits you get it
- how to evaluate the pros and cons and take a conscious decision about what you really want and what you are ready to "pay" for it
- concrete steps which will help you achieve the things you consciously want
We are going to talk about something that requires lots of attention, open mind and also desire to go deep. What I'm talking about is the concept of secondary benefits. So let me explain when does that apply. This applies in two major cases, when you want to have something in your life but you don't have it. Or there's something you don't want to have, but you have it and in the Cases consciously. We say that we are not happy, we are not satisfied with the way things are. Let's go with the first example. You want to have something but you don't have it. So consciously you realize that it's not what you really want, you are not happy you are not fulfilled with this situation. But what's happening is that somewhere in the background or also somewhere in your subconscious mind, there are some kind of benefits which you are getting from not having what you consciously want. So I know that this may sound very strange and well, how come this is happening when I really want to have this and I'm sure that this is what my heart goes for, well, how come I have those secondary benefits? Well, here we really talking about the subconscious mind, which may have some kind of different opinions. So let's take a couple examples here to see how things may work. Let's go with the three major areas that most people are interested in. Those are relationships, career and money, I would take this as one area, and also health. Those are the three major things that almost every human being wants to succeed in wants to be fulfilled and be happy. So let's say that you want to have a safe, stable, happy, loving relationship, but somehow you don't have it. And consciously, of course, course you're trying to find this partner, you really want to be in this relationship. But if we go really, really deep, if we are brutally honest, we will find almost every time about there are some kind of secondary benefits we are getting from not having what we consciously want. And the options might be countless, they can be very personal to you. So you really need to dig deeper into your own situation. But let's go with just some possible examples. You want to have this relationship but you don't have it. So a secondary benefit in this case might be that when you are single, you're at least not taking the risk of being hurt by another person. You've been so disappointed or betrayed in previous relationships and Your secondary benefit right now is that at least you're safe. You may not be completely happy, you may not be in this loving relationship you're dreaming about. But your secondary benefit is that you are not risking the opportunity to get hurt again. Or you're having much more freedom than otherwise you won't have if you're in a relationship, or you're taking all of your decisions on your own. So no one's telling you what you should do. You take the decisions, you take all the responsibilities, your life is in your own hands. And there might be so many other options. Sometimes they may sound really strange for the conscious mind. But let's pick up a few examples here as well. One thing that also may happen is family loyalty. Let's say that you are the younger sister, you have an older sister, and she's not married yet, and in your family or in your culture. And there are By the way, such families and cultures where it's not appropriate for the younger sibling to get married before the older one gets. And even though consciously you're not thinking about this, you are not focused on that. One of those secondary benefits of not having a relationship might be that you are not feeling uncomfortable because your sister who's older, is still single. Or, for example, another family loyalty case might be that your parents didn't have a happy relationship. And maybe they got divorced. So having a happy relationship, you're Self would mean having more than your parents have. And for some people, this really makes them feel uncomfortable. And again, this is not a conscious model. That's very important. So those are just a couple examples about relationships. But obviously they can be so many. One general principle, which applies to many, many situations is that our secondary benefits are related to safety, feeling safe and comfortable and not risking something. You may find that this applies not only to relationships, but also when we talk about career and money. Let's say that you have the desire to be a coach. And somehow you haven't achieved that yet. You're still working your nine to five job and you're just dreaming. Becoming a coach. But for whatever reason, things are not happening for you. So what might be the secondary benefits in this case, one thing is, you're not taking the risk, to be judged to be criticized to be evaluated by other people, you're safe where you are. You are not taking the responsibility. You are just, you know, having this freedom of going to work. And after five o'clock, you just don't think about work. If you are working as a coach or some other freelance profession, you won't have that freedom, probably at least for a while. You would have to work much harder than you did on your nine to five job. And consciously you may really want to have the other freedom that a potential coaching career may give you to schedule your day in the way you want to schedule the days that you are going to work and all the other stuff. So consciously you want this freedom, but maybe subconsciously, you don't want to take the risk of having a financial instability at first or all the other things. So this principle applies to so many cases and I highly recommend you if you want to gain more more clarity and also change things in your life. Make a list so just sit down, take a paper, define something that you want, again, the more specific We are the better. So you know going general like okay, I want to be happy in my life. Might be a little difficult to go from there, but focus on those areas relationship Career and money or health or something else creativity, whatever is important to you be specific, what is it that I want? I want to become a successful coach working full time. So write down what do you need to do that you want to feel comfortable with in order to achieve this goal and what you don't have to do if you don't have this go materialized. So in other words, which are those secondary benefits that you will get from not fulfilling your dream And trust me, you will always find something. From there. What I recommend you do is write down all of the positive stuff that you will get the freedom or the loving relationship or support Everything that potentially you can get about the thing that you consciously want. And from there, you have to do something, which requires a very, very deep approach and also honesty. be brutally honest with yourself, which is more important. And sometimes, you might realize that actually, those secondary benefits are more important. And this means that you just need to shift your priorities and your focus. And if that's the case, that's perfectly fine, as long as you're consciously taking the decision, that those secondary benefits are more important. And if you realize that what you consciously want, will bring you much more than those secondary benefits and you're ready to let them go. Then consciously try to get rid of them. Consciously try to put yourself in a position in which you no longer get any of those secondary benefits, even if you haven't achieved the final goal yet. For example, with the career situation, put yourself in a state where you are planning your thinking after this 5pm Mark, or try to act and leave and behave and think the way you would do that, if you have already achieved this goal. So try to consciously get rid of all of those secondary benefits that may help you a lot. And another area, which might be maybe the most difficult, is also health. Because of course, consciously we all want to be healthy. We want To feel vital, energized to be capable of doing everything we want. And, of course, that's perfectly normal. And yet there are cases in which people sabotage subconsciously the healing process, because of some potential secondary benefits they are getting. And, again, I know this might be very difficult to accept. But if you just allow the idea that even when you are sick or ill or you have some kind of physical issue, you're still gaining something, you can really change things around for yourself. And some of the most typical things that we may get a secondary benefits, if we have certain health issues are related to attention. That's probably the most common one Receiving attention and love for because we are weak or because we want and need the support of our family or people that love us. So this is a big one. Another thing might be that we are also allowing ourselves to take things easier not to push ourselves too much not to work really hard. It's like you know, we're lowering our standards or ourselves because we don't feel we have this full potential. And here is the thing. Sometimes people of course, they consciously want the healing to happen. So they search different solutions, they may go to some kind of healing therapy. And at some point, it really becomes obvious that there is a blockage, some kind of personal sabotage and When we dig deeper, we find that there are some secondary benefits that the person doesn't want to let go. And of course that prevents the healing process to be complete. So, again, you may follow the same process, define what is it that you want? My guess is you want to be perfectly healthy and vital. Then write down. What do you get any major and minor positive Thank you get in your life when you have this illness. be brutally honest with yourself. You're doing this for yourself, not for anybody else. No one else needs to know about this. No one's judging you. And it's absolutely not a reason to blame yourself or feel guilty. But you feel consciously see that maybe you're receiving Some attention, sometimes there even some kind of financial or material benefits that we get from our illness, or other people don't want so many things of us or so many you know, different cases. Think about it, write it down. And again, you have to evaluate things, which would be more important for you. Do you really want this vitality and health which also comes with higher requirements of you with more responsibilities and all the other stuff or you would prefer to stay where you are. And this is again, a very personal decision that only you can make. But if you are able to see which are those things that are blocking you, you are much more capable of changing that And at least you will know that this is your conscious decision. And this principle this concept may apply to so many other cases. For example, many people want to lose weight. So, they try dieting, they try exercising or some kind of procedures, and maybe they have some results, but it's usually temporary, then they go back to where they were or it's a constant, you know, like up and down. So, think about it, what could be the secondary benefit of keeping your weight and this may go very deep for many women, and for many men as well. weight can be just a protection. You don't receive any attention. Sometimes it has to do with some sexual abuse or the fear of just attracting attention and so on. Sometimes this may even be as maybe ridiculous like, well, I really need to buy so many clothes. If I lose weight, even this can work for some people. Or again, they may feel like they would look better than their family members. So it would create some kind of discomfort. So, or maybe they have a jealous husband and he will be much more suspicious of them if they look great. So think about it. What would change for you if you get your dream? If you achieve your goal? What are the potential stressful things that you need to deal with? And what are you preventing of happening if you stay where you are right now? This can be so amazing that can be so helpful for you, especially in areas like health, where we really want to have this vitality and you know, good shape and everything and for whatever reason it doesn't happen. So pay close attention to your life to each area to every specific thing that you want to have. And be brutally honest, what am I getting? If I don't achieve my goal if things remain the same, evaluate, which is more important, the secondary benefit or the goal you want and make a conscious decision. So I hope this idea would help you and bring you more clarity and will also empower you to make the changes you want. If you want to share something with us Please don't hesitate to go to my website and comment on their post, you would find the link in this podcast. Thank you so much for joining me, and I'll catch you next time.