Would you like to be able to give your partner exactly what they need?Many people struggle with their relationships, because they don't understand their partner’s needs.
In this episode I will share with the concept about the 5 Love Languages, which represents the different ways in which we can show our partner how important they are. We'll discuss the most common mistake people make which is to assume that their partner needs what they need.
By understanding that people have different priorities and by learning to communicate our needs, we are capable of improving our connection with others.
Listen to the show
You will learn
- the 5 love languages
- why your partner may not feel loved even when you love them
- how you can improve your relationship by giving your partner what they really need
- how to use this concept with any relationship - with romantic partners, kids and even in business
- Gary Chapman - The 5 Love Languages - The Secret to Love That Lasts
- Ep 10. Secondary Benefits
Hello dear friends and welcome to episode number 11. This week we are going to talk about relationships. And also we are going to discuss some really practical ways which you can use to improve your relationships. And this knowledge can be used specifically for romantic relationships. So this is the main theme we are going to focus on. But keep in mind that you may adopt this even to your relationship with your children or relationship with other friends or even in business. So the main concept that we are going to focus on was created by Gary Chapman, and it's called the five love languages. There is a whole book about this, and I will include it in the show notes. If you want to read the whole book, please check the links and you will find the exact name of the book. So Gary Chapman has created this concept as a way to show the different ways in which we can show someone how much we appreciate them, how much we love them, and how important they are for us. So there are five major ways to do that. And we are going to talk about each of them. But the most interesting part here is that everyone has different priorities. And for someone, let's say certain love language might be toxic. priority and unless they receive this, they want to feel loved. And for their partner, it might be kind of the opposite. This particular love language might be at the bottom, and they may have completely different priorities. And as you may guess, this is a recipe for misunderstandings, because generally people tend to give others what they would like to receive. So if you have certain love language as your highest priority, chances are that you're gonna give this to your partner. But if they don't value this love language as much as you do, honestly, this might be kind of disappointing or they may just feel misunderstood. So let's go with the first love language, which is words of affirmation. So what that means is that the need of the person is to hear and to be reassured, how important they are. This could be about telling them how much you love them, or how much you admire them, or how important they are, or how you appreciate everything that they have done. So it's all about verbal communication, and reassuring them, what they want to hear what's important for them, love, appreciation, how important they are. Usually those are the most important things that people would like to hear. The second love language is quality time. So what that means is that you spend time together, doing something meaningful. And when you're just in the same room or in the same house, it doesn't necessarily count as quality time. That's why we don't say just you know time together we say quality time. And this is again another possibility for misunderstandings. Because for one person quality time might be just watching your favorite TV show together. And for another person, it might be going outside in nature or having some important conversations or sharing how was your day and this verbal communication also counts as quality time. So sometimes people can mistake this with words of affirmation, because you know, words are something verbal, but It's different with word with words of affirmation. The focus is on how much I love you how much I value you how much you are, you know how important you are for me and so on. That's word of affirmations. But having conversations about what you are interested in, or how was your day or what kind of goals you have right now, this counts as quality time. So there are variations here as well. And if you find that you or your partner has this love language as a high priority, it's also important to be specific and find what exactly counts as quality time so that of course you will focus on that. The third love language is acts of service. Again here many things make count as active subservice for example, cooking a lovely meal for your partner taking care of their clothes or buying them new clothes when they need or anything else, which serves them everything else which helps them. For some people it could be also helping them with their work or doing something instead of them. And, for example, my partner has this love language as a very high priority, probably the highest. And, of course, this is the way that he treats me as well. And some of the most common things he does is when he's outside around the evening, he calls me and he asks what we're having for dinner. Would you like me to buy something for you? Because frankly, I'm not too much on another fan of cooking so he knows that and this is his way to show love asking me would you like me to get something for you for dinner. And for another person. It could be, you know, organizing everything we're keeping the house clean, or getting the pet out for a walk or anything else. And usually those are not some, you know, glamorous shiny things. Usually those are simple, tiny gestures, but they count and they are very important for the person. So the next love language this is the fourth one is physical touch. And my guess is that probably You're thinking about sex, but this is something different. So physical touch doesn't equal having sex with your partner. physical touch, means hugging each other, or just touching him, you know, gently, or kissing them. And just doing this, you know, regularly, or this may also be part of your ritual to let's say, watch TV together. Meanwhile, you're also hugging or something like that. So physical touch does not equal sex. because, frankly, there are many people. Maybe most of them are men, maybe not, I don't know, whose main priority is sex. They really need this and that's great. That's perfectly fine. But they don't need the other type of physical touch, they don't necessarily need to be hugged all the time or kissed or, you know, touched on the shoulder or whatever. So those are two different things. And very often, you know, you may have physical touch as your main priority, but this doesn't equal having sex and the other way around, you know, you may prioritize the sexual communication or connection, which doesn't necessarily mean that you need the other type of physical touch all the time. And the last love language is gifts. So it's pretty clear so I don't think I need to explain much about it. It could be a small gesture, it could be buying something nice and expensive. Of course, it depends but There are people. And in my opinion, there are mostly women who really value who really feel appreciated when they receive gifts. It helps them to feel important for the men appreciated, to feel significant. It's just their way of feeling loved. And maybe there are men who appreciate this as well. no judgement here. But honestly, I think it's a little bit more typical for women to be willing to receive gifts. So those are the five love languages, words of affirmation, quality, time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. And here's the thing. All of them are great and Almost everyone would like to experience all of them more or less. But we tend to have one or two which are at the top. Usually there are two which, you know, kind of stand out from the others. And if you need to choose, you know, what's the most important for you, you would go with that without hesitation. So most people may need some time to think about it, you know, in order to define, well, what's the most important for me? And there are others who can immediately give you the answer. Oh, I'm sure I need this quality time. It's so important for me, when both cases are fine. Don't think that there's something wrong with you if you cannot have you know, an immediate answer about what's your main priority, or what's the main priority of your partner. So it takes time And you really need to imagine, you know, how would you feel if you receive or if you get those different ways of expression of love. And the most important, of course, is to communicate your needs. And it doesn't mean that you know, we need to be harsh, demanding or critical with our partners because that never works well. It means to communicate our needs. And here's another thing also, when you receive whatever you are willing to receive, give your partner the necessary feedback. So let them know they're doing something important for you. They're doing fine, because in this way, you are only encouraging them to keep doing This, because if we don't answer if we don't give feedback for the other person, it could be very difficult. And honestly, sometimes women tend to expect that their partner kind of, you know, should get them. And we all have been there, I guess. But I think it's much more open and much more kind of positive for ourselves when we communicate our needs. So let your partner know what you value the most. And of course, of course, ask them, what's the main priority for them? And actually, if I have to be honest, I would suggest you do things the other way around. First, you ask them about their needs, about their priorities and And then chances are they will ask you for the same if not, at some point, just share this with them. And if you're not in a relationship right now, that's perfectly fine. Because the truth is that we grow and we develop ourselves. Even when we are alone, or maybe I should say mostly when we are alone, it depends, I guess, but this is a great opportunity for you to explore and to prepare also, how you would treat your partner How would you communicate your needs when you find a new partner? And if you feel challenged to explain this, you can share with them this podcast or you can suggest they read the book. Honestly, that's what I did with my partner is a very Saturn kind of, you know, strict Mental type of person. And when I asked him, he couldn't really answer me. So that's why I suggest this case. So why don't you read the book? Because it's explained very well with lots of examples, and you will find the answers probably. So we took him maybe two years or so. But eventually he got to this book. So he read it. And after that, he said, Oh, you know what I really value acts of service. That's a main priority for me. So you can share this book with your partner, but also pay attention to what they respond. Don't expect them also to read your mind and give them feedback whenever they do something nice for you. And this same system could be used for children as well. So, kids appreciate the different Love Languages differently. There are children who need to be reassured that they, they are loved that they are important that they are great, they're beautiful, you name it, they need words of affirmation, or there are other kids who really value quality time. In most cases that would mean playing together or reading a book together, something like that. That's most important for them. They may also value acts of service, which may mean to receive a great meal, maybe home cooked dinner, maybe they need their room to be, you know, very clean or organized or just to feel comfortable and to feel that you are available for them. And, for example, one thing that kids may do in this case is call you very often or if they are really small than for example, they may wake up in the, during the night many times and ask for water or something else or they want to, they want you to read a nice fairy tale for them. That's because they really value acts of service and maybe also quality time, things might be mixed. Sometimes. Kids may also value physical touch, hugging them, kissing them, holding hands. Of course, this is completely normal and many, many kids need that. And of course, maybe their favorite gifts. I don't know about your experience, but I haven't met a child who doesn't like gifts. And for them, this may really be a way to feel important to feel appreciated. So as you can see, it applies 100 percent to children. There is a nother book again by Gary Chapman which is specifically about the five love languages for kids also very nice book. And this is also maybe one of the differences would be that for kids they tend to need like the whole package the five love languages. So with grownups, usually we have one two priorities and maybe there are one or two of those which we don't really pay attention to. But for kids, they also have priorities but they need more the whole package so the the five love languages. And as we said also, we may adapt this method to other relationships as well even business relationships and maybe we need to change something. So perhaps physical touch won't be so relevant. But I guess there are some exceptions here. Of course, it's it won't be about hugging, but it might be, you know, tapping on the shoulder or some other physical gesture or you know, having your own way to an agreed yourself when you have done something nice together as a team. So, there are ways which in which you can adapt the system, even in business, and I think it can really, really help you to create more stronger relationships at work as well. There are people who may really feel appreciated when they hear this when you tell them Oh, you did a great job or you are amazing. Oh, we couldn't have done this without you and so on. This could be Their main priority quality time. So can we adapt this? So maybe this would mean more communicating about the business plans or what's required for them. So probably in this direction, acts of service Absolutely. To do something nice for them maybe to have team meetings with a wonderful lunch or something else or maybe you offer them fresh nuts and fruit everyday or other things and gifts. Maybe here we can translate this into payment. So for some people, of course, payment can be a main priority, but not for everyone. There are many people who value other things before money. So this may really be used for all kinds of relations. ships, whenever you communicate with another human being, you always have to pay attention to what they value the most. And if you're able to give this to them, they will feel appreciated or loved. And things tend to be more harmonious. And one last thing, a major mistake we can all make, and one we usually make if we don't think about it consciously is to think or to assume that everyone is like us. And if we value quality time, then we kind of think that others value this demoed. So we're trying to give this to our partner. But if they value words of affirmation quality time, may not be that important for them. And they may feel like we don't love them that much. So the make assumptions that what's important for you is also the most important for others. Pay attention to how they react. And don't be afraid to have conversations about this. So I hope that you're gonna use this information to improve your relationships and maybe to answer yourself, what do you need to change? Or what do you value the most? It's always a question of, you know, exploring our own desires, our own needs, and then paying attention to others as well. Thank you very much for listening to this podcast. It was a pleasure for me as always. I'll see you soon.