The Trauma of Abandonment

Do you feel like you desperately need other people in your life? Are you terrified of being alone? Do you feel weak or uncapable to handle with life on your own?

In this episode we'll discuss one of the main reasons for that - the trauma of abandonment. You will learn the most typical scenarios that create it and what are the consequences.

 This episode is part of the series about the 5 types of trauma (episodes 13-18).

Listen to the show


You will learn

  • When does this trauma typically occur and with which parent
  • The body structure and other physical characteristics
  • Possible health issues
  • The coping mechanism - the mask of the dependent person



Today we are talking about the second trauma. If you haven't listened to the previous two episodes, I highly recommend you to do that especially Episode Number 13 because this is the introduction to a special concept that we are exploring, it's about the five traumas. And this is created by Lisa ball. She is a very famous and a great psychotherapist with great experience. And according to her knowledge and her expertise, there are five major wounds psychological emotional wounds that usually occur very early. In our life, and most importantly, those traumas keep affecting us. Until we see them, we recognize them and of course we heal them. And today's episode is focused on the second trauma, which is the trauma of abandonment. And we'll talk about the most difficult characteristics. If you remember, we talked about the importance of the body structure. This is one of the greatest clues you can use to define whether you or someone else has any particular trauma. Because the body does not lie, it shows the major tendencies and you see how in an interesting way, we are going to translate the body appearance into what that means for this person as a behavior as a way of thinking and all the other stuff. So we'll talk about the body structure the typical physical characteristics of the trauma of abandonment, of course, a very important thing, which is the main coping mechanism that those people use in life and how it affects their whole life course the area of relationships, which is the parent, which is usually related to this trauma, and also, which are the consequences, some possible health issues, life issues, mentality, and so on. So let's get started. First by describing how those people typically look like, and I want to remind you again, that you don't necessarily need to find all the characteristics in yourself or in another person in order to have this trauma. The more characteristics you recognize, the more sure you can be that the trauma is there, and actually, the strong longer, the deeper the trauma is. But even if you recognize just one, two or a couple of those indications of those characteristics, it's still a sign that you might be suffering, you might be experiencing this trauma of abandonment. And also keep in mind that typically we have more than one of those traumas, they might be differently important for us differently intense, but it's always helpful to explore what has happened and which are the consequences basically. So back to the physical appearance or the body structure. One thing which we have created for you to make it even easier, is we have basically painted, we have created pictures literally, of those physical appearances. So if you're on my website, then you should Be able to see the body structure there. If you are listening on Apple podcast or somewhere else, you should click the link for the show notes and it will direct you to the page where you can see literally the most typical physical appearance. So the most typical is that the body doesn't have a good Tom's. Very often it's kind of slim or thing, not as much as with the trauma of rejection. But usually the body is also not very strong. It kind of looks weak or thin, it might be tall, but most importantly, the tissue is very weak. It just doesn't have a good tonus the muscles, all of it, it's kind of weak. You may also see that those people very often are like hunched over They are shoulders are down. Even, you know their lips might be a little down. For women, the breasts might be also a little down or without the goo tonus or different parts of the body might be kind of floppy. This is the most typical, you can find it on their face, or as we said, the press or the other muscles of the body. Even when someone exercises or trains a lot, you can still recognize that there is something weak in them in their body. And this is like the major indication. If any part of your body has a very weak muscle tightness or the tissue is weak or it's down, then this is an indication of the trauma of abandonment. Some other possibilities are related to the hands which can be kind of too late. Or a little bit strange. And also, the eyes are typically sad. They may have big eyes, like, you know, they can make a strong impression with their eyes, but there is a sadness. And this is also one of the major emotions they experience deep sadness. Very often they may also have changeable moods, sometimes they're up sometimes they're down and it kind of goes in between really fast and it's quite intense. So usually they're emotional but not really stable in their states. This is also typical. And, again, back to the physical body. A very typical behavior is that they constantly need something to support them. They don't like to stand for too long. They will either search for the chair to sit down or something to support For them, they literally don't like it, they don't feel comfortable. So, as we can see, the major thing that's missing here is the support. That's why they're hunched over. They are tissue looks weak, or they search for the chair constantly because they need support. And the reason for that is because they feel like they haven't received the support. Usually this trauma occurs during the first two, three years for the first time. And after that, it kind of repeats because until we recognize it, we are going to attract the same type of patterns. And of course here we are not blaming we are not judging because that's not the point. No one is guilty. But usually the parent who is involved with this trauma is the parent Have the opposite sex. So for women, usually this is the Father. For men. Usually this is the mother, that's the parent that they feel they have been abandoned by. And in some cases, this might be literally what has happened. But most often, that's just an experience. For whatever reason, there might have been a sibling, which is younger and was born after them, which, who obviously gets more attention, or the parent may work a lot or they may have other things on their plate. But the child doesn't feel recognized doesn't feel important, and that's what makes them feel abandoned. They suffer from lack of emotional support early very early in their life. And you don't need to have conscious memories for that. Absolutely not. You may not remember it, you may not think about it. And it's still there and it's still affecting you. That's how the subconscious mind works. And the coping mechanism which those people develop, is to be dependent on others. This happens in a variety of ways. First of all, during childhood, usually they are weak. They may have health issues or they're just not very vital or energetic or they constantly need help by the parent, by teachers by someone else. That's their coping mechanism. Subconsciously, they believe that if they are weak, other people will take care of them. And if they become strong or independent, other people won't pay attention to them. So again, the trauma will be reinforced and they will feel alone and abandoned and in order to avoid that, they create subconsciously, this internal dependence on other people later on in life as we may guess, it translates to their adult relationships with their partners with their spouses, and they create those extremely strong attachments. When they fall in love when they are attracted. Sometimes this may even happen with friends. They get so attached that their love may also be suffocating for the other person. They feel like they depend on him or her and it creates usually unhealthy connections and relationships. Very often they may even get into the victim mentality. Because when you are a victim when you are weak, you deserve to be supported by others and other people. may feel sorry for you or am I To be more empathic, or whatever, so getting into the victim mentality usually allows them to receive the support that they crave, they literally crave this support. Another thing that may happen is also they might be more indecisive. They feel like they cannot take the right decision. So they constantly want someone else to guide them or they asked them, What would you do, what should I do and so on. So they are kind of disempowering themselves again, for the same reasons in order to keep other people close to keep them in their life. And unfortunately, this victim mentality sometimes may actually put them in such situations when someone else is taken advantage of them. They might stay in this situation for a reason. Long time, because even if it's bad, what's worse is to be alone to be abandoned. Again, even if you leave, you're still alone. So that's, as we may guess, something that can harm their life, their relationships, their emotions so badly because they don't get out of bad relationships. They stay there. They keep suffering, but it's still better for them than being on their own being unsupported being alone. So this may create lots of issues in their personal life. Another thing, as we said is that they are very afraid of loneliness, being on their own, to the need to handle with everything alone. It makes them so unhappy so afraid that they are Ready to do whatever it takes to avoid, they might become people pleasers, they might neglect themselves in order to fulfill the desires of someone else, as long as the other person is there. And of course, this is the most extreme scenario which I'm describing. You don't necessarily need to be that much of a people pleaser or a dependent person on others. But if you recognize some of those things, then there's something to work on here. And you really shouldn't neglect that. Some other possible issues that those people may have are also the fear of death. Sometimes the fear of going crazy, but mostly the fear of dying. And also a very typical fear they may have is agoraphobia. Fear of open spaces going outside alone and their options there but usually they're afraid that they will get sick they will lose consciousness or they will die. This is the most these are the most typical fears. But agoraphobia is very typical. For those people, it doesn't mean that others cannot have agoraphobia. But on average, people with trauma of abandonment suffer more from this condition. Also, when it comes to food, and their eating habits thinks are more specific, usually they're more predisposed to overeating. Sometimes this might even turn into bulimia, which is a kind of the most intense condition of course, but usually what's the point here is that they are trying to substitute the emotions, the force The support that they haven't received by food, so they may eat more than they actually need, and they try to enjoy it as much as possible. So sometimes they may have issues with over eating. Another thing which is interesting is that also, their sexual connections with other people might be more intense. They may use sex also as a way to connect to others to get extremely attached, but also as a way to kind of be to feel abandoned when someone else rejects them, even if that's their partner. Because I want to remind you, this is kind of universal for all of the traumas. And that is the fact that we tend to reinforce the same traumas to re experience them all over again until we recognize them and we heal them. So If we have felt abandoned early in our childhood in our life, later on, it tends to repeat with other people, with our partners and so on. And this is all against completely subconscious. But that's what happens. So, typically those people may also have a stronger sexual desire. And this is also their hunger for connection with others for support, again, a way to depend on someone else, as well. Okay, and let's talk about some of the most typical health issues that people who suffer from trauma of abandonment may also experience. So here they are, some of them are asthma, or all kinds of Bronco issues, pancreatic issues including diabetes, the address glands may also be a weak or weak Oregon in their body and their eyes. They might be incapable of seeing properly, especially the things that are more distant. They experienced problems with that. It's kind of representing more their fear of the future, what will happen will I be supported, will I be alone and so on, of course, all kinds of emotional psychological challenges like depression, or also rare disease. We said that typically those people don't have a very good health, especially when they are children when they are young, because that's their way of showing others that they really need support. It's not just an emotional thing. It's not just you know, out of the blue, look, I'm weak, I need the support, I need your help. So very often, they may have more healthy Then other people have on average. And also they may have more rare disease or those type of disease that kind of are chronical and curable and so on, because that allows them to receive the attention and the support of other people. And here's a very, very important note. Whenever we experience certain trauma, like with this one, trauma of abandonment, it's always a sign that we are doing the same with ourselves. So what that means is that we are also abandoning ourselves in certain way. So we are afraid that other people will abandon us. We create this coping mechanism of a dependent person, but in reality, what happens is that we abandon ourselves within We are unworthy, or we experience shame. This is quite typical for people who suffer from trauma of abandonment, and overall they feel bad about themselves, they are abandoning themselves. So with every trauma or with everything that you think someone else is doing to you, always ask yourself the question How am I doing the same with myself? So, how am I rejecting myself or how am I abandoning myself or whatever there is. So, you will find that those people are also not supportive of themselves and they seek the support from others but other people just mirror what we are doing. So when we are abandoning ourselves, we are not there for ourselves, we feel weak. Others will mirror the same behavior. So the solution, as always, is first of all, bring your awareness, recognize it, verbalize it, if you will write it down, admit that explore what has happened. And again, here, the important thing is, how has the person interpret the situation? The parents might have been there, they might have even been supportive. But the question is, did the child feel this way? Or did they need this exact type of support? Because if you recognize some of those characteristics physically or emotionally or as a behavior, it shows that you have had the experience of the trauma of abandonment. So go deeper and explore what has the parents done and all of it. So once we bring our awareness then we can heal this and there might be different ways which you can use for this healing. My personal favorites are the EFT the matrix reimprinting bet that's a great energy psychology method, or a combination of methods which allow us to heal the past to transform those negative emotions and eventually to move forward. And here's something interesting, you will notice that when you heal this trauma or any other trauma, it will also affect your body. It won't happen immediately because the physical body changes slowly. But it will happen over time. So your relationships will change. Your emotional state will change for sure how you feel about yourself, how you behave will change And eventually at certain point, even your body will change. Your shoulders will go up, you won't be so hunched over. Even the tissues may look healthier, the muscles might become stronger. That's happening over time. But that's how things work. So if you have this trauma of abandonment or any other trauma, don't neglect this. Heal this. You deserve it. You deserve to live a healthy Phyto fulfilling life. So I hope this episode was helpful for you. Again, don't forget one of our major principles, no judgment, no blame, no guilt. Everything happens for the right reason. No one is guilty. Your parents are not guilty. You will also find that probably the parent who you have problems with have had the same trouble I like you with their parent. So it's all happening for a reason. We are all choosing our parents our experience, there is a point. This is an opportunity for us to grow and to heal sometimes issues that have started earlier, maybe even in previous incarnations, if you will. So it's all part of the bigger picture. Trust that have faith in it, do the best that you can be open for the transformation, and magical things will happen for you. So thank you very much for listening to episode number 15. The episode about trauma of abandonment next week, we are continuing with the third trauma. Thank you so much.

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